Slowly Sinking

I spent 2 weeks with my daughter after finding out about the affair.  During that time, I was grasping for anything I could to keep my marriage together.  I talked to my therapist back in Calgary.  I found a couple of infidelity support groups.  I started coaching with one of them.  Divorce Busting.  The coach I was working with actually told me to be nicer to my then husband.  To not be angry.  To smile when I talked to him on the phone.  To look my best when I made the decision to go back home.  Looking back, I see that these are the messages in our society.   If we would just be nicer, cuter, sweeter, sexier, then they wouldn’t have to look elsewhere.  What a bunch of crap!  But at the time, I bought it.

I also spoke to my brother.  We were raised Jewish, but he became a Christian when his life took some twists and turns.  He told me if I just accepted Christ, all would be good.  He told me about Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyers, and I started listening and watching them, and accepted Christ.   I would try anything to keep my life from falling apart. 

I found another resource in the Beyond Affairs Network.  Everything spoke of saving your marriage.  Just become the wife they want.  At least that was all I was seeing at the time. 

My brain was so chaotic.  I wanted him back.  But he cheated.  But it must have been me.  How could he do this?  Who is this man?  And who is she?  Why does he want her?  I just wanted answers to all my questions.  And I wanted them now.  I was looking for them everywhere. 

But I couldn’t find them.  I felt like I was just swirling down some dark, deep hole. 

At the same time, though, my daughter and her friends were so sweet and kind.  We were in Columbus in the fall, and that means Ohio State football.  I went to a football party with a bunch of young adults and joined in on beer pong.  I had a lot of fun, and for a while it took my mind of my life. 

While my daughter was at work, I would just walk around the streets, mostly in German Village.  I would sit in the parks.  And I would hang out at the Book Loft, an independent book store in an old house in German Village.  Little did I know that German Village would end up being a huge part of my healing.  At the time, I just found solace on the brick streets and sidewalks.

My then husband and I would talk, but it would usually end up with us fighting and me crying.  It was awful.  I hated being that woman.  And he was not who I thought he was.  I was angry.  He was the one who cheated, and I am living out of suitcases in my daughter’s apartment.  So after 2 weeks, I made the decision to go home.  I wanted to be in my house, with my dog and my stuff.  And maybe Divorce Busters and everyone else was right.  If I just became a better version of me, he would want me back.  So I packed up and headed back home to Calgary. 

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