Surviving my first holiday alone

The day after Christmas is celebrated in Canada.  Boxing Day.  After our day yesterday, he showed up again.  And we actually slept together.  I thought that would get him back.  And afterwards, he started crying.  Said he promised her things.  I said like leaving me.  And he said yes.  So I responded with what about your promise to me, our marriage vows, to love me till death do us part?  What about that promise?  And he just cried.  And then he was gone.  As always, when he left, I asked if he was going to her.  And he never did answer. 

I didn’t know what I was going to do with my life, or where I was going to go.  I met with a career counselor.  She didn’t charge me.  I think she felt really bad for me.  Anyways, we talked about what I have done in my past, my schooling, and what could I see myself doing.  We talked about real estate.  I said I don’t want to do that any more.  Thing is, I am now a successful Real Estate agent in Columbus, Ohio. 

I have a degree in Microbiology, but had been out of that career path for 30 years, so knew that wasn’t an option.  I was in the fitness industry for 18 years, but got burned out.  Though I love my regular workouts, that no longer seemed like a fit.  But I do love people.  Talking to people.  And we came up with the idea of coaching.  Life coaching.  Health coaching.  Something like that.  Seemed interesting.  I was coaching with the Divorce Busting team.  At the time, it was something to hold on to.  My coach was very compassionate, even if I now see everything he said as the opposite of true. 

I put that on the back burner, and just tried to get through every day the best I could.  And suddenly it the end of the year.  New Year’s Eve.  I had never been alone on this evening.  I was with him for 35+ years, and before that friends and family.  How would I survive it?  He came over.  With a nice bottle of wine and some cheese and crackers.  We shared it.  And then as always, he left.  I was crazy out of my mind.  I started drinking gin and tonics.  Not good.  I kept calling him.  We yelled, and fought, and cried.  It was a truly horrible New Years Eve.  I couldn’t wait to put 2012 behind me and get on with the new year. 

I was still truly hoping he would leave her.  I was just waiting for that moment when he came back.  I read everything I could on men and mid-life crisis.  He seemed to be a classic case.  I read that they do come out of it and see the light.  And I read that they never do.  I read about all the heartache, sadness and pain caused by affairs.  And I read about how many of those left behind never truly got over it.  Ugh.  What was I in for?

The new year came.  2013.  I have this thing about the number 13.  It is my number.  I was born on May 13.  I graduated from Ohio State on June 13.  My twin brothers were born on Sept 13. My 1st nephew was born on August 13.  I had this feeling that 2013 was my year.  That something big was going to happen.  Something good.  Of course, I assumed I would get back with him.  But the universe had much bigger plans for me, I just didn’t know it at the time. 

It was winter is Calgary.  Which means snow, ice, cold and often a lot of sunshine.  I spent my days walking my dog, working out, talking to my 2 friends, and getting more into yoga.  I was going to church every Sunday, and started a program there during the week.  I was meeting some very nice people, who were so very kind and caring, and lent so much love and support.  I was surviving. 

He and I would talk regularly, though it was always me calling him.  We tried going out to eat a couple of times, but usually ended up fighting as he always left, going back to her.  He even tried coming to church with me a couple of times.  It is interesting, at that time, the church was doing a series on the 7 deadly sins.  Honest truth, he came to the sermon that was about lust.  He sat there and cried.  I wanted church to get him to see the light.  I wanted him to change.  I wanted my life back.  Instead, we spiraled down to a nasty, ugly relationship.  With so much fighting and pain.  But neither of us were strong enough to end it.  And he consistently showed me he wasn’t coming back.  I truly just didn’t want to see it or believe it. 

As I usually do, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I know that I have the personality that does not like to stay down.  I often find myself saying to myself “Nobody puts Baby in a corner”. 

I joined a meet-up group, a big social one in Calgary, and started doing things and meeting new people.  I tried scuba diving (didn’t like it, even though I am a swimmer and love to snorkle).  I went out dancing a lot, which I have always loved.  I met some great people, including an amazing tribe of women, who were going through their own pain and suffering, and would become a piece of my healing. 

I never did hook up with any guys during this time.  In fact, I didn’t have sex for over 2 1/2 years.  And looking back, I am glad about that.  I really needed to get myself together before I attempted to have any sort of intimate relationship with a man. 

And I was still obsessing over my ex.  I could see what he was spending money on, as we still shared a bank account.  And once he got that separated, I would scheme ways to keep an eye on it.  I was crazy, trying to find out what he was doing, what he and her were up to.  My mind would race over this stuff.  One thing I never did, though, was go and snoop around where he lived.  I always had the address.  Just never wanted to be that person.  Interesting, the things we talk ourselves into and out of, and what we justify as ok or not ok. 

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