Cheating

My thoughts on Cheating have been all over the map as I have started traveling on this journey. 

I have always believed that another woman’s man is totally off limits.  Totally.  That stems back from high school, and liking a girlfriend’s boyfriend, and not being able to do anything until they broke up.  That was a rule I set for myself way back then, and still hold true today. 

I truly never, ever thought my ex would cheat.  I thought he was a great guy, incapable of that.  But should he ever cheat, I believed I would kick his butt to the curb asap.  Well, I was just wrong on both points.  He did cheat.  And I didn’t kick him to the curb.  He was the one who left me, though I was the one who ultimately decided on the divorce.  But then he did want it desperately, as he and his affair partner wanted to get  married very soon after the ink was dry on the divorce decree.  It doesn’t really matter anymore.  All I know is that these beliefs went up in a puff of smoke, and I wasn’t sure what I believed to be true. 

I hate cheating.  I believe it is a cowardly action.  You have given your love and vows to one person, and then decide to carry on with another.  That is just wrong.  I believe that the courageous thing to do is have that honest conversation with your spouse, and say that things aren’t working any more and you want out.  Yes, that would be hard.  But it is nothing like getting betrayed by the one you love. 

But that is difficult to do.  To be courageous and say what we want, what we need, to be vulnerable.  That is what got us to the breaking point in our marriage, poor communication.  And in talking to countless others, that is what I hear happened in the demise of their marriages.  And to be honest, things weren’t working for me, and I didn’t have the courage to ask to get out.  Instead, I pulled away in subtle ways.  Now, that is not a reason to be cheated on.  But I do see how this all just spiraled into a not great place.

I do still believe that cheating is not just wrong, but bad for our souls, I also believe that only hurting people can hurt other people.  And when someone betrays another, it is not because there was something wrong with the other, but rather there is something missing in the betrayer.  My ex’s cheating had nothing to do with me.  I chose my reaction and my actions.  To be so hurt by it.  Until I finally decided enough.  That took a lot of time and a lot of work, but thank goodness I am here now. 

We are 2 individual souls on this journey through life.  We came together, vowed to love one another for ever.  But that takes so much work and effort, to remain connected through a lifetime.  And honestly, I didn’t know the work involved and didn’t put in the effort.  And he didn’t put in the effort, and probably doesn’t have that in him. 

I believe his affair was my wake-up call.  To start being honest with myself.  To start listening to my heart, what I wanted.  To begin to finally have my own voice.  I gave away myself to my marriage, believing that the weak me was what he wanted.  It never sat well with me.  I let him make so many of our decisions.  And in giving so much of myself away to him, to the marriage, there was a nagging feeling in my gut that things weren’t right.  So I would get angry for no reason.  I wasn’t always the kind, loving self I wanted to be, knew me to be, and have become.  For me, it is only in being true to myself that I can find that kindness and love for others.  Without it, I felt empty.  Even when we were together.  I actually felt more alone being with him than I do living alone now. 

I have no idea what has gone on in his mind.  I don’t see him anymore.  I have talked to a few other guys who have cheated.  They all said the same thing…She didn’t understand me.  Sorry, but give me a freaking break.  I am sure you did nothing to understand her.  And now just own it.  I believe that is so difficult for people to do, especially those who have wronged others.  To own their actions.  I know there are those who have, and I really commend you.  For those who have betrayed and not owned it, that is their cross to bear.  I try not to judge them.  I do know I don’t want them in my life and can now make that choice for myself.   

So cheating.  Yes, it is hurtful to so many.  It destroys marriages, hurts families, and is hard on finances.  Cheating is ugly.  It brings out the worst in people.  It is insulting to so many.   But it will most likely never go away.  It was in the Bible.  It is a part of our culture and the world culture.  We are basically selfish at our cores, and we want what we want, when we want it.  Our world must become so much more enlightened before we can change it. 

But cheating can also open up the space for a great awakening.  And in the end, I am alive and thriving, as are my 2 kids.  I practice gratitude every day.  I hate to say it, but I am glad for the opportunities I received through my ex’s affair.  And if I do want to try to change the world, all I can do is work on this one piece of it that I have control over- myself.  And practice daily love, kindness, patience and forgiveness to all those around me.  Can you even imagine a world where we all did that? 

2 thoughts on “Cheating

  1. Alone. In marriage. I wrote a post about that exact reality a few days ago.
    And I won’t go back there either. Or lose my voice again.
    Thank you for sharing your journey. It is encouraging.

    Like

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