Searching for Answers

I had so many questions, and I wanted answers, and wanted them quickly.  I had so many questions about the affair, the end of the marriage, the other woman.  But I also had a lot of questions about my life.  Where would I go?  Would I stay in Calgary or move back to the US?  How could I move across the continent, back to the US, by myself?  Where would I live?  What would I do for work?  What did I want to do?  Would I ever love again?  What would happen to me? 

I read a quote at that time that touched something in my heart, and stuck with me.  I didn’t know at the time how true it would be. 

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

― Rainer Maria Rilke

At that time, all I was thinking was how could I love the questions.  I wanted answers.  And I did a lot of searching for answers.  So much of it was searching outside of myself. 

I went to a psychic a couple of times in Calgary.  And he did provide me with some answers.  Who knows if they were accurate, or where they came from.  All I know was that at that time, it gave me something to hold on to. 

The one piece that really stuck was when he said “Don’t be so hurt by all of this.  I got the lucky roll of the dice.  I got out of it.”  Wow, I actually was lucky to get out of the marriage.  I couldn’t see it at the time, but I see it clearly now.  He told me a lot of truths about my life, that I didn’t want to see.  That I didn’t need to accept other peoples opinions so easily.  That I had the ability to reframe my thoughts and beliefs.  He told me to the divorce was the right thing, as my husband was never leaving his mistress.  They were both 2 very closed off people, and they were happy in their own insular world.  To just let them go.  He said I would be fine financially.  And told me to enjoy life, have fun, and let the rhythm flow. 

He also told me some things that never did happen.  That I would move to the West Coast.  He told me about the man I would meet before I turned 57 (I am now 58).  But all in all, our sessions gave me a piece of grounding that I needed to continue to move forward. 

I tried looking for answers in church and prayer, but found more happened for me on my yoga mat and when I quieted my mind.  Rather than always chattering away to God about what I needed and wanted, when my shut down the chatter in my brain, sometimes answers would come.  It was this meditation, on and off the yoga mat, where I knew I would get some of the answers I was looking for.  They may not come quickly or when I wanted them, but they would often come. 

I looked for answers in books, on websites, in podcasts and webcasts.  In conversations with people.  With other women who were in the same situation.  With guys I knew to get a male perspective.  With my therapist.  I am a seeker.  I looked everywhere I could think. 

Patience. That one is difficult for me, but a skill I am trying to practice.  Sometimes I do it kicking and screaming.  But it continues to show up.  I want things done in my time.  And it showed up again this morning.  I was driving to yoga at 6:20am.  There wasn’t much traffic, but some guy had to turn right on red directly in front of me.  And then proceed to drive at a snails pace.  It was early and I was tired, but I did manage to do some cursing.  And then I thought, ok, here it is again.  Practice patience.  So I may get to the yoga studio a couple of minutes later.  I won’t remember that moment 5 years from now, and getting angry only messes me up.  Patience. 

And I now fully understand the quote.  I do need to have patience for all in my heart.  I am learning to love the questions.  Sometimes the questions make me very uncomfortable and uneasy.  Sometimes they bring absolute fear.  But I do my best to try to live with them.  And it is in the living that often the questions really are answered. 

I was recently asked if I regretted not leaving my ex sooner and getting out of the marriage earlier, when I was younger.  And my response was no, because I wouldn’t have been ready.  I wouldn’t be the strong, fabulous woman I am today.  I wouldn’t be living the life I lead, which is a life that I have created and absolutely love.  So no, I have no regrets.  And like the quote says, the answers couldn’t have been given, because I wasn’t ready to live them. 

I still have so many questions, and most likely always will.  And I am doing my best to be patient, and hopefully one day live into the answers.

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