I have felt off for a week or so now. Just off. A friend has attended Unitarian Universalist church, and he asked me to join him last Sunday. He told me that it was the first service since summer, and I might find it interesting. He is a good friend, and knows me enough to know what I might like. So I thought why not. And went with him.
We got there about 15 minutes early, and he showed me around. I found their selection of books to be very interesting. There were books from authors of all religions, and great selections of thoughtful poetry. I thought the service could be quite interesting.
We took our seats and the service began. It started talking about September and the change of seasons. I started to tear up. This shocked the heck out of me. Why the tears? I used to cry all the time in church, but that was in Calgary during the aftermath of the affair.
I pulled myself together to be present to the rest of the service. It was about water and the flow of life. They ended with a Rumi poem. Rumi is one of my favorites. His poetry always speaks to me. I felt the synchroncity, and knew that I was at this service for some reason, though I didn’t know what it was.
I was looking for the poem that was read at church. I read quite a few. I found this one instead, and as I read it, I felt energy flowing through my body.
The way of love is not a subtle argument.
The door there is devastation.
Birds make great sky-circles of their freedom.
How do they learn it?
They fall, and falling, they’re given wings.
So what is up with me? I have been looking at that, questioning, meditating, trying to decipher what went on at church. And here is what I know today about my autumn mood.
One word that keeps coming to me is solitude. There was a block party last weekend, and though I had a lot of fun last year, this year I didn’t want to go. It was on Sunday, and I enjoyed some football and beer with 2 girlfriends in the afternoon. That was great. But something was off for this party. I went, but wasn’t into it at all. I didn’t stay long.
What I am seeing is that after the fun of summer, with all the festivals, outdoor concerts and parties, I now want to rein in my life a bit. Summer to me is sundresses and sandals, berries and watermelon. Bright colors. Fall is jackets and sweaters. Apples and pumpkins. Oranges and browns. It is like it is a time to settle down a bit, to prepare for quiet of winter. And I seem to be wanting to do that without my trying. Whether by myself or with a few friends, that is what I seem to be craving. Solitude.
One other thing that is very evident to me is that I am finally ready for love. Real, big love. Without masks. Let me tell you, after the betrayal, this is quite a scary thought. But I do feel that I am ready for it. One thing I don’t want to do is repeat my relationship with my ex with someone else. I see this happen time and time again with women I know and in things I read. Though the guy shows up in a totally different package, emotionally or energetically or something, they are the same. It doesn’t appear as such at the beginning, but seems to end up that way, and I don’t that to happen.
And I have learned that to get different results, we must learn the lessons from our past and change ourselves. So I think that is some of what I am feeling. I want to look deeply into myself, into my holes. I know that truly only I can fill my holes. And I think that is why I am craving the solitude. To discover what lessons I still need to learn from my past relationships. I feel like there is something else out there that I cannot see and cannot put my finger on. But I need to work through it to get to the other side.
Just being ready for love is huge for me. So much of that is due to my fling with the Irish man last month. He truly helped me to want to open my heart again. Though we still chat a bit, our lives are going in separate directions and I am so okay with that. I am just so very grateful to him for helping me see that love is beautiful and that I can love again and be alright. I am not in a hurry, and am okay to wait and see what life brings my way.
Though summer is my favorite season, I am appreciating autumn as I sit here writing this. Fall is a time to cool off and slow down, and this seems to be exactly what I need. And I need to make sure that I honor that and not try to fight it. To accept all that I am feeling in this changing season keeps me walking down my path, one foot in front of the other.
My wish for you is that you honor yourselves this September.