I hurt a friend deeply by saying something I should not have. We were out drinking and carrying on and I did something stupid. But that is not an excuse. I own my bad behavior and feel just terrible about it. One huge thing I have gotten from this journey after the betrayal is to use every thing that happens as a lesson for me. So rather than beat myself up like I would have in may past, I took a really long walk and with some intense self-exploration. It is a beautiful day here, and I wandered around for almost 2 hours. I tried to clear my head and see what came up.
First thing I noticed is that there is still this big hole in me. I wanted to blame my ex, and the betrayal, and the fears and lack of trust and all that comes from the infidelity, but I saw it is something that goes back much further than that. And most likely, it was this hole in me that attracted us to each other in the first place. And I see how I try to fill the hole with things to distract me from looking at my truths. I will fill it by drinking, eating, snacking, watching meaningless tv, Facebook, being busy.
What am I hiding from? What am I afraid to see in myself? Rather than trying to force the answers, I try to let them just arise. I do my best to stay present, and notice my surroundings as I walk. The sights. The sounds. And ideas and thoughts do pop into my mind.
Am I afraid of my greatness? Of getting what I truly want? What do I really want? Not what I think I should want, or what sounds good to want, or what society tells a 58 year old woman to want. But rather what do I want in my life? What do I want my future to look like? I have been exploring this with my coach, and it isn’t easy to answer. I have some ideas. But there seems to be something that is holding me back. Something that is keeping me small in the world instead of playing big. I think there is some fear of actually living all out and getting what I want, and what if I then I don’t really want it. Oh my. Because really, SO WHAT! Still exploring all of that.
I see a part of this hole as being my “not good enough” place. And that goes way back, to stories I wrote in my childhood. I started to explore me not feeling good enough, and where I don’t feel good enough. And I got frustrated. I want this part of the journey to be done already. It can be exhausting to look at myself and to try to find the lessons to be learned. But of course, the journey isn’t going to end. Better to learn the lesson and be done with it, and then move on to the next one. I truly believe this is how the Universe works, so I knew I had to just accept.
I next wondered what do I need to do to feel good enough. How can I get to that place? And I wanted to reach out to my coach to ask her. Instead, thoughts and answers started coming to me. What if rather than looking at places I am not good enough, and fearing where I may not be good enough in the future, I truly looked at all the places where I am good enough. I started making a mental list. And I did feel an attitude shift.
Did my bad behavior towards my friend come from not being good enough? Ugh. This is so not the person I want to be. Yet right now, this is the person I am. I never like it when someone behaves in a certain way, and says that is not who they are. I fully believe that we are our behavior and not our words. There are some great quotes on this. One is “Don’t let someone’s words blind you from their behavior” by Steve Maraboli. This is so true.
And I know that the way to change who I am is only thorough behavior, and not through words. I did apologize. And we have plans to talk. But the rest is up to me. To change the behavior. And to do that, I know I need to stop trying to fill this hole with all sorts of crap, and to let whatever needs to bubble up to the surface just come up there. It is not going to be easy. It will be much easier to grab a glass of wine and mindlessly look through Facebook and Pintrest for an evening or to join friends for an evening out. But I know that won’t get me where I want to go. I do want to get there. And every decision I make, in every moment, either takes me closer to or further from my dreams and desires.
One thing I do know for sure is that it feels awful to hurt someone. So where did that come from, to become a “mean girl”, if only for a short time? I see it clearly. From my insecurities and fears. From drinking too much and letting those old wounds take over. I want to strive to never do that again. I am willing to put forth the effort to make this happen, and learn whatever lesson so that I can truly be the woman, person, friend, that I truly desire to be.