“There is something beautiful and revitalizing about October. When the leaves fall the world is surrendering. Letting go of pieces and parts that can no longer serve in a positive way. Trees hold strong to their core and survive the storms; but every good tree knows that as time goes by, the leaves come back and we all get to start again.” Unknown
Here we are in the middle of October. The month started with a bit of a bang, and then a lot of self-reflection. It is becoming a time for me to loose those parts of me that no longer serve who I want to be or where I want to go. Like a tree loosing it’s leaves, I can let go of the little girl insecurities that still show up.
The trees seem to loose their leaves so easily and naturally. But they do put on a riotous display of beautiful colors before they go. Must we do the same? Let those parts that we want to say good-bye to do something loud and crazy before we can fully let them go?
Self- transformation seems to be much more difficult than just letting the leaves float away. Those old habits and patterns just want to keep coming around. But what if it is not difficult? What if it truly is easy, just like the trees loosing their leaves? What if we are just making it hard, because that is what we are told? What if we declare this letting go is easy, and we can release with grace and ease? I am ready to declare.
I wonder what will show up when we loose those old parts, the pieces of ourselves that we know so well, even if we don’t always like them? Who will I be without the old insecurities? It is such a scary feeling because I know those crazy pieces so well. The pieces I don’t want to share with anyone and keep hidden in the secret place in my heart, for fear that if someone knew this about me, they would run away, or at the very least think I was crazy. Though I am healthy and fit, I also tend to eat and drink too much, more than I care to admit. I can sometimes stuff down food and drink quite quickly. Totally mindless. I don’t do it to excess, and my weight is normal, but none of that matters because I do it and I know I do it. I don’t take the time to enjoy and savor, but rather I gulp. With all my work on being present, this is one place in my life where I am totally. I admitted all this to myself this past weekend. So the question now is why? What am I trying to hide, to cover up? And the answer came to me today. My voice.
Ever since I was little, I was told that I was shy. That I was afraid to talk. So others spoke for me. They told me what I thought. They told me what to be. Of course, I totally rebelled. But even in the rebellion, I still didn’t have my own voice. And I have always been afraid to be me. So little by little, I am gaining that voice. (A big thank you to everyone who reads this, as it allows me an outlet for that voice long hidden. Very grateful.)
And it feels good to let go. I feel lighter. And I had a thought in yoga today. What if, like the trees, I can loose that part of myself, but know that my roots and my core are strong, and will hold me up and carry me, gracefully and beautifully and with ease, as I make my way into the next season.